


Almost

by minglewithadingle (mophasia)



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Abuse Storyline, Angst, Gen, Implication of Selfharm, M/M, POV Aaron, Robert is helping, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 04:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10180631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mophasia/pseuds/minglewithadingle
Summary: Story takes place end of February 2016, right after Aaron comes back from Ireland. He is in a bad mood.Thanks once again tosmugfacesugglefor beta-ing! You are awesome!Come, find me on tumblr:minglewithadingle





	

 

He knew what the people said about him. He also knew they were right about him. They didn't even have to talk to him, or get to know him better as a person - because they wouldn't do that anyway. Still, they were right. He was like a feral dog.

They were only waiting for him to lash out, to bite again. And god, how good he could bite. With his fists and kicks. Till he could taste blood on his tongue. Most of the times his own. His bloodstained knuckles. Split lips. Feelings in turmoil and no way to calm them down.

He knew they wished they could just get rid of him. Like they would do with a dog. Drown him in the river. Put him to sleep. He could see it in their eyes. The refusal. Condemnation. Hate. They were his reflection. They did show him everything he already knew about himself. But nothing more. Was there even more?

“You should stop with that, you know …” Adam´s sounded sincerely worried. “I mean with all the tearing yourself apart thing.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, snorted, topped off with a snarky grin he made clear he wouldn't dignify this with an actual answer.

“No, seriously, mate. I just don't get your problem …”

Aaron only shook his head. No need to say something. Instead he focused on his work again. An angle grinder and a wrecked car. He could hear a sigh from beside. A familiar sound. Disappointment. The logical end of any conversation with him.

From the corner of his eye he could see, that Adam was still there. Instead of leaving he also began to work on the wreck. He was waiting for something. Lurking. It was a trap. Aaron hated himself for that thought. Adam was his best mate, still …

“You know, you can talk to me, right?” Adam stopped working once again. Looked at his best friend. Aaron´s grip on the angle grinder tightened. He could see the white of his knuckles beneath the scab. Would Adam be still there for him, if he told him the truth? Aaron was afraid of the answer. He didn't dare to risk it. He couldn't bear to loose Adam.

“I know, you’re having a rough time right now, but not talking isn’t helping at all, you know...? You can talk to me.” The serious look on Adam´s face made it worse. Aaron wanted to believe him so badly. Wanted to talk to him. Wanted to trust him. But trust got punished. It hurt.

“I’m fine.” He said instead. The ringtone of Adam´s phone cut through the silence. For a moment Adam kept staring at him, but the phone was quite persistent. Adam took it from his pocket, looked at the screen and finally answered the call. He gave Aaron a friendly slap on his back. With a harsh shrug Aaron tried to get rid of everything this touch meant. But only the warmth disappeared. The fear stayed. Deep in his bone. As Adam left for the portacabin, while shaking his head, phone still on his ear, Aaron`s eyes followed him. Before Adam went inside he turned to Aaron. He had this pity smile on his face. Aaron just bared his teeth. Then Adam disappeared inside the trailer. But Aaron still wasn't alone. The people were everywhere. Maybe they weren't aware of it, but Aaron could hear them. Hear them talking about him. Out on  the street. At the shop. In their perfect little gardens. Everywhere he passed by. They were asking questions, questions they’d never get answers to. And Aaron stood silent.

What´s wrong with him? Why's he so broken? What will happen when he gets violent again? How could anyone put up with him? How could anyone put up with him? How could anyone put up with him?

Aaron angrily switched off the angle grinder. Kicked against the car wreck. It only made a dull sound. He kicked it again. And again. His big toe started to throb. He kicked again, could hear a quiet crack. It was somewhat satisfying. Only then he realized someone was watching him.

Robert was standing a few steps away, looking at him with an arched eyebrow. Aaron hunched his shoulders. He wished Robert hadn't seen that.

“Feeling better now?” Robert asked, hands in his pockets, nodding towards Aaron´s feet.

“Sure, why not …” Aaron shrugged. ‘Better’ was a really vague word. He busied himself by taking the scrap of the wrecked car away, while Robert was leaning on his own car, tracking every movement of him.

Aaron could hear the gravel crunching under Robert´s shoes as he approached him, a can of beer in his hand, which he then offered. Aaron took it, looked up. Robert just smiled. Not with pity but fondness.

“Thanks.” Aaron´s voice sounded rough as he spoke. He coughed slightly, while opening the can. His toe hurt. How could anyone put up with him? Robert got himself a beer too, tapped his can against Aaron´s.

“Cheers.” It sounded a bit sarcastic, but it was okay. Aaron couldn't deal with _nice_ anyway.

“Cheers.” There was an almost-smile on Aaron´s face. Fitting to the almost-closeness between them. They sipped at their beer in silence. Aaron knew Robert was watching him again. Like he always did.

“Don't you want to ask, what's up with me?” Aaron finally asked. The past couple of days everyone always wanted to know how he was doing. He hated them for asking. But especially himself. Because he couldn't deal with their sympathy. It was too much.

“It depends. Do you want to talk about it?” Robert asked, his eyes still on Aaron.

“No?” Aaron snorted. What a ridiculous question … It should be obvious, shouldn´t it? Robert laughed. Aaron felt a little bit better. It was the same vague ‘better’ Robert had asked about earlier. Aaron bumped his shoulder against Robert´s. He knew it wasn´t much. But it was everything he could give at the moment. They were looking at each. Almost-happy.


End file.
